I am no Angel

We continue to live under the same sky, the same wind touches us both, we wake up to the same sultry weather, and with every day that I live through, the distance grows in magnitude, the distance  between our bodies  and  souls. I cannot help but ponder at the change that betook us, separating us, pulling us apart. Or did you choose this? All the promises of togetherness, of being the reason for my smile, were they words sans any depth? You say you need time. Time, uncountable, slipping from my fingers. Did I ask too much of you? Was I a boulder on the road of your life? You used to say my presence makes you calmer; why have, you then, chosen to cloak yourself in silence. Mess you say you are. No I shan’t ask you questions for the predicament so. But can I be a silent support to the troubles you choose not to share? Can I be there with my stupid ways, a silly reason for you to smile? Passive aggressive you call me. Isn’t love selfish? Do I earnestly love you? Is that why you remain stoic? You maintain I pushed you away. What am I to make out of your silence? That you want me off; that I am, but, a hindrance? Believe me I will fade away, from you, from your everyday, into the oblivion, if this is what you seek. I will continue to live the life I had hitherto. But as the hours tick by the difficulty of separating myself from the canvas of your thoughts, plucking myself from the ocean of your remembrance never seems to dwindle.

Some days rush past while some crawl by. Will we ever chance upon each other or is this the beginning of the end? Do you remember me the way I do? Do you think of me the way I do? Do you indulge in the little things the way I indulge in little things you do, ginger tea, listening to your playlist? Does Angus and Julia Stone remind you of me? Do you look at your phone with receding eagerness for a message? Does your heart leap at a call thinking it to be me? Do you drift off to sleep thinking about me, wondering what am I possibly doing, do you reach out in the dark in your bed thinking I am by your side only to wake up to the emptiness? Do you wake up thinking of me? I will never know.

You used to maintain that I mustn’t fall for you. But your charm was irresistible. I do not know yet. They say I am delusional, they say I am obsessed. I think they are right. You did say you have serious issues with monogamy. I did make my peace with the polyamorous self that you are, I reckon, as long as I had you around, hoping you would change. They tell me if I were to love you I would not wish for you to change, and find bliss in what I have than wishing otherwise. Can I? How long? Is this then love? But can love be unselfish? I chose to distance myself. Why then do you reappear, inciting the feelings I had wrapped around a millstone and cast into the sea? You do know I am an emotional wreck; why do you not let me be? There is no dearth of souls wandering like a moth around the flame that you are, why do you then seek me? Why do I, despite knowing this, let irrationality take over? Why do I imagine, hope and ponder? Am I bereft of any self-respect, any self-esteem? The constant state of push and pull. Why do you want me around, narrating all that only draw me closer to you but never close enough? Why can we not be platonic friends? Will you ever know that I did genuinely care for you? They say does it even matter? They are again right.

I need to listen to my own thoughts. I need to decide and not waver. I need to move ahead and not stumble. And as I stare out of the window, watching the dark outline of the tree outside, the velvet sky above, muffled sound of a radio, the eerie silence I think I have decided. This is the end of the end and the beginning of new beginning. I wish you well and I do not hold any grudge. I understand you and may you find happiness. I will continue loving you through the dark sky, let you be but let me tell you I am no angel.


Image credit: J. Mitra


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