Chasing Pavements

There are days, oftener and regular now, when I wake up to a sense of an impending doom, a pervading premonition and everything, everything that I may possibly imagine, seems to be mercilessly ganging up against me, revelling in the sadistic pleasure of putting me down. Rather I don’t wake up, for I haven’t been sleeping at all. Snatches of wakefulness and sleep wax and wane through never-ending long nights. And as the sky turns from purple black to grey, as dawn chorus resonates through the air, and a cold morning breeze echoes off walls, I slip from a daze in my bed to embark upon another hazy day, uncertain of a clarity, but certain of a new predicament, which lies low underneath my bed, ready to ambush, and binds shackles of listlessness around my ankles.

Just when I think I’ve hit rock bottom, tremors in the earth underneath my feet jitters me and I slip further down, always a new depth. Melancholy is an endless pit, and darkness, its ally, continues to push the ever elusive little light of hope, up there, beyond my grasp?.

I have been dwelling in the trench of nothingness for months now.

Nothing seems to be going right and I keep drowning into and emerging numb from one puddle of moroseness to another, the depth deeper with every step. I try to evade them, with no avail, and the narrow strip of land, just enough for a foot crumbles away; the sordid waters of sorrow erodes the land making it impossible to stand still. Must I surrender to the tyranny? Must I nestle cosy in the bottomless pit?

If only I were to hit rock bottom, I’d be certain of crawling back up but Providence has snipped the threads of hope, one at a time and I keep excavating deeper. May be rock bottom isn’t solid ground, may be it is a quagmire. And if I were to give up and let the soft earth absorb me, wouldn’t that shield me from the blows that life continues to hit me with? Moroseness is, in my life, default, and any flicker of happiness that promises to dispel the gloom, flares up into a forest fire of destruction leaving behind a charred ground. No rains wash away the grime and ash, no plants sprout forth, no life begins anew. If only I could find a reason to hold on to, a reason, a strength to tie the broken knots of hope and crawl upwards, one step at a time, one day at a time.

But nothing helps. One sorrow leads to another and the short-lived happiness between a perpetual state of distress diminishes before I can grip the momentary celebration. Am I a punching bag for sorrow, never resisting, never resting, never settling, only swaying precariously from side to side, the blows denting me, changing me, drawing out life from me?

‘Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere’. But the pavements are broken and precarious, making the tread difficult.Β Carry on, you are brave, others prep me. But can one walk on broken and battered, brazen and bandaged, blithely believing in betterment? Make it better, make it easier, I silently pray but the prayers fall upon deaf heavens.

Shunned, shamed, shambling I, aimlessly, try to gather myself day after day, night after night, waiting upon the day when the quicksand shall cloak me in its suffocating safety, eventually comforting me.

Image Credit :Β Photo by Vojtech Okenka from Pexels

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40 thoughts on “Chasing Pavements

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  1. Oh, such powerful words, such expressions of heart, despite the pain, thank you, sweet friend. There is hope even in the sorrow of Life, and hope, like white butterflies, dancing where they may not yet be perceived.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. chasing pavements…the expression and the post resonates…sometimes I too feel like digging a hole and burying myself in it… i feel you…your writing is very impressive with it’s use of language and expression…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. My friend,

    Truly a gift for writing you have,

    ” May be rock bottom isn’t solid ground, maybe it is a quagmire. And if I were to give up and let the soft earth absorb me, wouldn’t that shield me from the blows that life continues to hit me with? Moroseness is, in my life, default, and any flicker of happiness that promises to dispel the gloom, flares up into a forest fire of destruction leaving behind a charred ground.”

    It saddens me to know that you suffer this melancholy, it is difficult to know where a person is in their heart or soul. One thing I do know, writing helps to heal. Sharing helps to heal and when you write it helps to inspire others and helps to get them going on that path as well. I am glad I took the time to read today. I have been awake now going on day 5 or 6? I have lost count. I cannot sleep at all and the pain is pure agony and there is no relief lately. I have been hiding in my room mostly to avoid snapping at people who come over to check on me to make sure I am okay. I won’t even answer the phone at this point afraid I will “bite someone’s head off” if they say the wrong thing. Am hoping for a little sleep today but figure that hope will let me down or trick me or just be rotten and mean like normal, it pains me to think this but sigh…. well maybe I’ll sleep. I need to stay positive, right? You too my friend. Chin up, always it’s worth it. If you make just one person’s life a little better; it is worth it. So find a way to make one person smile today, or do something nice for one person? Keep writing, this helps for sure. That alone is something nice for more than one person. It inspires, it gives hope even when the tone is melancholic, for it causes me to want to provide comforting words to you. So today you managed already to make my pain a little less while I wrote this post. Thank you for that, it is much appreciated. You changed my focus from my pain while I read and while I wrote. You also brought me out of my melancholy about my lack of sleep, my lupus and my ponderance of how much time I have left or don’t have left to see my Grandchildren grow up.

    So you did way more than one nice thing, and I am actually not just smiling, you got me grinning and got a small chuckle making me chuckle qualifies as way more. Have a good day and KEEP WRITING! KEEP HOPE!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much Yasmiera. Believe me I am grinning from ear to ear now after reading your post and I glad that you wrote this post. Indeed we all are suffering in our own ways. I am honestly worried about your sleepless nights. I have been there and I can relate to when you say you have been avoiding people just to avoid snapping at others. May be spending a few days grieving is not a bad idea after all. It helps to reflect upon oneself and the thoughts raging inside ones head. But it’s equally important to not dwell much on it. Easy to write and suggest but difficult to implement. May be one day at a time.

      You are right when you say writing helps in healing. There is a sense of comfort and inspiration when somebody reads and expresses her empathy, like you did in my case πŸ™‚ I am glad that I could help you in any little way, even if that meant shifting your focus for a while. I do hope you get some sleep tonight. Life is melancholic but there are bursts of happiness πŸ™‚ Remember the visit to the lake side with your family you write about πŸ™‚

      Have a great evening! And thank you again for the wonderful words πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Parikhitdutta,
        I believe I owe you a huge Thank you for 15 hours of sleep. I can’t say I am pain free or feel 100% as life will not give me that; however, my mind and body do feel much better. My “inner self” is now ready to face the outside world again. Thank you so much my dear friend.

        You can take the time you need to grieve for what you lost. Then you too can begin that positive transition forward rather than the ever present stuck in place melancholic feeling of hopelessness, loneliness, and despair. Go ahead and grieve so you can heal and live. It is okay to do it. And I for one would love to watch it happen, even though it is just through words, it will make it no less meaningful to see.
        Yasmiera

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Yasmeira!

        I am so happy to read this. So very happy that I am tapping my feet in sheer joy. I am so glad that you could get some sleep. May be this is one step towards positivity!

        Yes, grieving helps! Believe me when I say this words have a power like no others. Your words are not mere words for they are filled with inspiration, guidance and a will to never stop. Thank you for inspiring me!

        Parikhit!

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  4. You have an incredible talent to express your morose well but you need professional help asap, please?

    Sounds like you are only hanging on by a very thin thread and can’t really absorb all the love and support offered in the comments above. You may need medication to turn this around but don’t stay there any longer … we need YOU and your talent in our world!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for your support and encouragement.

      Writing has helped me vent out all that is bottled inside and I guess it helps many of us, giving words to the mayhem inside and letting it out. And I am seeking professional help.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Love your writing! I’ve been down rock bottom a couple of times in the last few years. The first time, I was able to level myself pretty quickly but the second time is where rock bottom seemed to be a quagmire. Depression and confusion was a huge theme in my life the second time. But then I realized it was my soul showing my human existence that it’s time to starting evolving and that process is never quick and definitely not easy.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That’s what I have been telling myself. This is not going to be easy and I must hold on, however slippery may be the ropes of faith.

      I am glad that you could emerge happily and may you always dwell in happiness πŸ™‚

      Thank you so much for stopping by and reading.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s never supposed to be easy because humans have an ego and absorb a lot during the human aging process. So shedding your ego of all that you’ve accumulated, that either no longer serves you or never did, will take some time and it can get very dark. But you’ll do just fine. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 2 people

  6. This is such fantastic writing and yet my heart breaks thinking of the brokenness. My prayers and best wishes for beauty and light – to come and stay for a long, long time. Even if this isn’t true, please do accept my best wishes for a beautiful evening, starting now. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Sometimes a part of our mind grabs melancholy and does not want to let go. In a weird way we enjoy the darkness while crying for light….walk out of the cave and come to the garden here – with flowers and butterflies. Don’t listen to your mind. Waiting for you. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 3 people

      2. I know you are right. The mind is weird isn’t it, sadist in a certain unexplained way. You rightly said we cry for light, enjoying the darkness. May be one should be brave to embrace the light outside although that is coupled with trenches. Life never promised to be easy right.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Yes, you are so right. At least in the light, we can kind of see the trenches. πŸ™‚ They won’t be as hard as we imagine them to be. Life is easy when we make it easy – by moving forward with a smile, with courage and faith. Faith in something larger than our little life situation – love, God, goodness, eternity.

        Liked by 3 people

  7. “May be rock bottom isn’t solid ground, may be it is a quagmire. And if I were to give up and let the soft earth absorb me, wouldn’t that shield me from the blows that life continues to hit me with?”
    How do you write like this?
    I loved this post if you haven’t realized already : )

    Liked by 5 people

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