‘Begin Again’

Often, rather most of the times, I ponder at my murderous obstinacy to hold on, to have wrongly imagined I have let go of times which push me into the spiralling depths of despondency, to have unfaithfully assumed I have emerged, battle worn, from my crumbling state to a happier one! No I do not hold on to everything that makes me weak, I let time take over sealing the unhappy times, so much so that I begin to see gladness in the times that were. But there are days, there are months, there are years that remain impervious to the workmanship of time and without a warning catch me unguarded, flash their cruel smirk, embrace me in their lethal numbness and I slip away, screaming inside my skin, perfectly happy outside. I do crawl back to a life that was, unaltered to my neighbour who never sensed the turmoil and the war that had been ravaging within.

If only I could completely let go and begin again, as easy the words sound. What surprises me all the more is when asked about the quintessential ways to let go I could lecture one till the break of dawn, write a mammoth of a book, lay down the rules. Paradoxically when it comes to teaching myself I remain the unfortunate student who mysteriously forgets the answers to all the questions! The maddening bit about the glum memories are they come unannounced. When walking through crowded streets, or through empty lanes, at work, when an old song pops up in an impromptu playlist, or when flying thousands of miles above the ocean, they pounce upon me, shadowing every entity of my body in the partial darkness.

And there I was thousands of feet above the Atlantic, thousands of miles from any land, trying to read my copy of Alice Munro’s ‘Too Much Happiness’, anything but happy, shifting in my seat, uncertain of the pending doom, stealing glances at my snoozing fellow passengers on my way back to ‘home’. No, I was not glad to return ‘home’, return to the monotony of life, return to the same city where memories good and bad swarmed, the latter filling in the crevices and gaps of my tattered past year. The premonition that unhappiness will take over soon kept aggravating with every reducing mile.

‘It is all in the head, follows you like your shadow, thoughts, and don’t dissuade wherever you go’, claims a friend. But cannot the omnipresent brightness, the excitement and enticement of a new place baffle the shadow of thoughts, and may be, just may be for some fraction of time they will go into hiding underneath your feet?

Providence, intentionally, unintentionally, took me miles away at the beginning of this year to a fantastical winter wonderland bundling away unhappy memories into a little neglected corner of my head. Little did I know that the memories which seemed frozen would surreptitiously thaw back into life and unpleasantly encapsulate me the moment I step inside the aircraft on my way back! Creeping up through my veins, injecting the bitterness into my limbs, they were taking me to a place I rather not dwell in. I had to shut them, had to silence the howling thoughts echoing inside my head and slamming my book shut I chose to drown myself in the otherwise avoided inflight entertainment. But the movie I chose to watch ‘Begin Again’, left me gasping for breath and I could not help but weep uncontrollably for the next few hours!

I kept thinking how holding on can be devastating and letting go no better, but cathartic. And, quite unhappily, as the movie neared the end, it dawned upon me that, in a hypothetical world, if life were to rewind back to older times I shan’t be able to embrace it without any qualms. Something significant had irrevocably changed. No, love the silly monster who had stirred up the trouble hasn’t ended, but he has learnt that he shall be happier if he loves from a distance ergo maintaining his sanity.

Welling up, I kept listening to the last song on repeat, slowly realising that I have to let go.

“Turn the page maybe we’ll find a brand new ending, Where we’re dancing in our tears and, God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young, It’s hunting season and the lambs are on the run, Searching for meaning, but are we all lost stars, Trying to light up the dark?”

May be there is a ‘brand new ending’, and reflecting, juxtaposing my life with that of the protagonist’s I promised, swallowing back my tears, to begin again.

Image Credit: Adithya A.

49 thoughts on “‘Begin Again’

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  1. This post like all your resonate with so many as evident in the above comments. You write from your heart and that touches us all … you need to use this talent, please?

    maybe the word is “just be” … as in our past shapes but doesn’t define us, so sit with the emotions and uncertainty and just be until you’re ready to move on or the solution surfaces …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are right! Nothing is permanent, sorrow ends too, misery vanishes and the happiness shall surface, all in its own time. I guess embracing every emotion is a must.

      And thank you again for your wonderful words and encouragement. I definitely want to be a voice for some of us. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This post seeps into the soul with its raw vulnerability, and pulls at the heartstrings with that ending, cathartic – both for you and for the reader that relates to so many things there. Goes to show we’re all together in being alone, in being tossed in the tempestuous seas of sorrow – all finding our way, like lost stars in a vast galaxy. Yet hope remains as long as we keep our light shining, keep feeling our way through and pushing through the darkness. Someday, someday, we will make it. And it will be glorious. Have faith.
    Wonderfully inspiring and mesmerising prose!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. ‘Goes to show we’re all together in being alone, in being tossed in the tempestuous seas of sorrow – all finding our way, like lost stars in a vast galaxy.’ We all are aren’t we, together in our loneliness, shining, holding on that flicker of hope and one day we will emerge. 🙂
      Thank you so much for your wonderful words Isha!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. How beautifully written! While reading this I was reflecting on something I said to someone many years ago. It was about how when I would begin a drive ‘back’ to some place I didn’t want to go and how even, on sunny days, it felt dark. You tapped my soul with this.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Hey Parikhit! Same goes, been missing your reads 🙂 Thanks for posting again and blessing us with your writing 🙂 I have been well, getting ready to leave Pingtung for a month. How have you been?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Will be in Thailand in a few days… spending a month there ummm vacationing haha! Just really needed to have a break. I see you have quite a bit on your shoulders. I hope you’re taking good care of yourself while you’re at it.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. A difficult story but beautifully crafted as always! Everyday we get to begin again Parikhit and you can make your one day the best it can be! Visualise yourself catching a train each day when you wake and as you board the train it is ready to depart, you have left your suitcase on the platform. You can get off the train to get that suitcase or you can choose to embrace the journey without it! Choose well! Le gra, Marie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And thank you so much for the wonderful words. You set me thinking Marie. May be, as much as the suitcase, the baggage meant, but leaving it behind in the station wouldn’t kill us right as long as I have my passport, my identity. Having said that, it ain’t easy to choose but one has to. Thank you again!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. My goal is to get you thinking of other posibilities and i’m delighted I was successful Parikhit! We give away distressed out-dated clothes, why not do the same with out-dated distressed thoughts and fill the empty case with empowering thoughts! Be well, be happy. Marie

        Liked by 2 people

      2. You are right Marie. But somehow thought cling on aggressively or may be we hold on to them afraid that life would be meaningless or empty without them. Cannot do with them or without! But the right thing is to let go and begin anew. Thank you again 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      3. So true Parikhit, those thoughts are welded in place sometimes and it’s frustrating to be told you have a choice and to be told just stop thinking about it, it doesn’t work that way! It takes a lot of self-patience & practice!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. To say that I’m glad you could relate is something that is in a way saddening, for truly I do wish for anybody to feel morose. But I guess, and I am hoping for you too, there will be a new beginning. Some day, eventually.

      Liked by 1 person

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